in the balance

you think you know yourself well enough to know how you'll feel about something...until you have to. my entire life up until this point has been purposed by the same recurring theme: find balance, and maintain it. but what do you do when even equilibrium becomes too much? when you'd give just about anything for the scale to tip slowly over in an actual direction..any direction? instead, it hangs there...bobbing in midair...teasing fate like a donut on a string to a fat kid.

my brother's fate lies in the 4th floor icu of mission hospital, a road map of lines and tubes, and one life supporting machine after another running out of it to an unknown point out in the future somewhere. a point we hold our breath to for fear of also possibly finding out. i've never hated balance so much until now, nor do i find it amusing that the one time it has been the most tangible is also when it's the ugliest and least wanted.

and until now, i have never been ashamed that i would be willing to let someone go just to be able to have my feet touching the ground again. i want to scream out in sally field-like furor an earth-shattering 'why', only i know that as long as questions hang there silently in the balance their answers will too.